Article by: Natasha Holf
“Are you two seriously divorced, come on now!” I remember watching the lips of my ex’s friend as we shared the news. In serious reflection, I could easily see where the confusion came from. Honestly, not much had changed since he and I separated 15 months ago. We did grocery shopping together, we talked for hours on end on the telephone every day. We still did things – As… A… Family…
So, the confusion of others, I am not surprised by, because honestly, the entire thing was confusing to me as well.
The Breakup
It was a long time in coming! I found myself drifting away from my husband for years before the actual good-bye. Although we worked well together as a team, almost knowing each other’s thoughts and finishing each other’s sentences, nine years of marriage was all I could take. I wasn’t challenged anymore and being the creative that I am, the predictability of it all was consuming.
I shared my desire to be free from him; his response was far from expected. I thought I could make a clean break for it, but – 13 years of relationship is a hell of a long time.
Setting the Rules
There is nothing like an unexpected and unwanted “I love you” or an invitation to “screw” from an ex to ring home the fact that clear boundaries needed to be set. I always knew that he still loved me and I still loved him too, but, he was very much still “in love love” with me. What I was blind to is the torture I had been putting him through all this time. He wanted me but I couldn’t even stomach the idea of being with him sexually ever again.
My lack of boundaries gave him hope. I was creating a serious error which needed to stop immediately.
Mourning the Loss
I get it now!
I was still in full blown process of mourning the loss of my best friend, my lover and the security of a marriage. And, not once did I truly stop to acknowledge this union, partnership… that vanished. Yes, I admit it…I was holding unto those things for dear life: I just can’t have my cake and eat it too. Truth be told, I am far from prepared to mourn the loss of a dear companionship, one thing I know for certain is that firstly acceptance is the key to overcoming this life’s challenge.
So here goes,
Dear Self, “It Is Over!”
Natasha H.
