Article by: Natasha Holf
Being Emotionally Unavailable Can Impact
Becoming emotionally unavailable in a relationship can happen to either person for various reasons:
Some of the reasons could be when a breach of trust has occurred in the relationship either a previous one or current one – causing the person who has been betrayed to withdraw. This sometimes is used as a protective measure.
These situations lead to lack of connection and at times lead to only talking on a day to day level about necessities and nothing really important. It is better for this to be resolved quickly or the behaviour may become entrenched.
Another common and sometimes overlooked reason, is when couples are becoming distanced from one another. It could also be that one of them would even like to end the relationship. MMaybe for various reasons ( children, commitments, finances), finds that this is not a possibly considered option. They distance themselves emotionally from the relationship.
Sometimes this tactic is used as a form of emotional blackmail following an argument. The reality is that it would be much better if the couple sat down and discussed their differences, and tried to resolve the problem before the potential gap widens.
In these situations the persons only connect superficially, often being too busy or too stressed to resolve the situation. Sometimes these extreme impasses can be resolved by Counselling, other situations lead gradually to separation. Some of the relationships are probably not worth saving, but obviously this can only be decided by the couple concerned.
The basic thing is that there is no connection beyond the surface.
This type of gulf between couples can occur sometimes for example, when they have had children in quick succession and one partner may no longer be able to work because of the need to be at home. If in this case the spouse has to work harder to support the family and one partner feels, often correctly that they are being left with all of the domestic duties and may be seem to be losing their place on the perceived career ladder.
One partner may even become resentful as they may spend more and more time away from the house, leading to a very superficial contact only, if not deliberately managed. This can be resolved when part time childcare can be arrange to allow a spouse to work or ‘get-away’ for a few hours, and be with other adults for a while.
The ability to join a group can pull persons beyond being emotionally unavailable to connecting on a humane level. The keen observer can easily drag without prying the individual for personal information into the comfortable space to open up. Maybe it is something they like to do, see, eat or create.
Remember: The term generally describes someone who may be evasive, or one who does not like to open up even if its one-on-one about how they may feel or on their own relationships. This is outside of being deliberately malicious. The characteristic of making up excuses to remain vague and not connecting is there. Furthermore other tendencies can be things such as flattery, or the need to control the conversations and the specific direction of such.
There is also at times the tendency to be arrogant, anger or similar which signal an aversion to being intimate.
This may be seen over and over in your new or exisiting relationship. Of course there is always the help of a professional or having some background knowledge of being emotionally unavailable.
Relationships need work
To maintain intimacy in a relationship it has to be worked on, since no one really want to simply remain at that cosmetic level. The initial bit is for the first few meet-ups and for the easy flirt or chit-chat, and small talk.
The best way to work out beyond the surface is to possibly deepen the relationship with a trusted friend(s) and family. They are less scary and can act as a training ground to let someone in.
Changing the social scene can also help. Hanging out in places, clubs and such like with persons who are of similar emotional status will not help. However observing and connecting with those who have healthy relationships, give a more realistic expectation, and can lead to the ease of becoming emotionally available. Give it time, of course.
Having a trusted friend help you face it head on, and being frank with you over time can assist in deepening the emotional status. They may help you identify why your relationships aren’t working or the struggle to figure out why everything is so frustrating with surface conversations only occurring.
For couples it may be to make a ‘date’ night more frequently while recruiting a baby sitter if there are children involved, to babysit the children for the few hours. For those now getting to know you the excitment of learning can unearth the spontaneous side of each individual and create magic to becoming emotionally available without realising.
Be mindful that brief periods of being unavailable emotionally, is still normal. In fact, to enjoy the daylight you need night or darkness. Think of it as a disconnect from hurt and to act in self preservation. The challenge to avoid staying in that doldrum and to climb out of the pitiful state.