How do I deal with the guy who just disappears (submarining) after a few dates?
One of the most infuriating things for any lady in a relationship, whether at its initial stages or mature stage is ghosting.
“Ghosting, for those of you who haven’t yet experienced it, is having someone that you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you are dating, disappear from contact without any explanation at all. No phone call or email, not even a text…“
Now submarining is another side of the coin. That is when someone you have been seeing or talking to this time just disappears from your radar like a submarine, and then all of a sudden ‘resurface’ as if nothing has happened. Hence the new name submarining…
Imagine the emotions which rushes through you when something like this happens. Especially when the guy does not even offer an apology. Then these guys will just assume that things will start exactly where he left them. Madness… Would you believe that this behavior is not only rude, selfish, hurting but more importantly confusing!!!
This is especially confusing as we all naturally develop feelings along the way, but the other side now is – How do I deal with the guy who submarines, even after a few dates?
It is especially quite tempting and easy to jump into an attack mode for this selfishness… Who wouldn’t??? Think about it, raging at them will likely have no huge effects – but you are darn sure it’ll make YOU feel better, and then what.
Do not let them get away with it, you do have to confront them. The last thing you should do is let is slide and play the same game, because, in the end, this will continue. Consider analyzing if it is worth the effort, and meanwhile do not get your hopes up… The dating landscape is full of other potentials, that you do not have to waste time…You Must Confront The Situation.
When you see them again, just say something like, “I was surprised to hear from you again, but happy you reached out. Do you mind if I ask what happened?” Anyone who can’t give a clear, honest answer probably doesn’t have the communication skills you need to build a relationship. Make sure they are transparent.
Find the appropriate time and start a conversation asking for an explanation for their disappearance. Make him understand how his disappearance made you feel and how you perceive it. Before you consider rebuilding the relationship make sure you establish some level of honesty, otherwise the person does not deserve your time.
If after the conversation the guy owns up to his poor behavior, then you can decide whether its worth it investing your time. If he shows signs of not caring, then its high time to let go, move on, and call it a lesson well learned. The only thing is to be sure that you do not let this govern your next relationship. However – we still cannot be ignorant that we have expectations beyond what really may exist.
Do not think that you can change a person. You hardly can…and the allure of trying to change behavior especially as many of use aren’t experts, can be futile. This lesson for sure – ensures that diving right back into a relationship does not occur again.
After all, the dating sea has more vessels than submarines, so you will find a person who will communicate accordingly, someone who is respective and caring.